something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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