Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
