I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Pants are for mortals
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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