and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize