dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
