we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
