i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
