No awkward lesbian experiences without me
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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