I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
