really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
