Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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