i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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