Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
