Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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