he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Sacagawea was the original milf.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize