and she was petting her beer can
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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