come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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