remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
