happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
