she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
