i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Randomize
