Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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