Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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