I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
