They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
FUCK WHALES
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