your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
