Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
