Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
