So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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