even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
