I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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