Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
he high fived his dick after we had sex
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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