Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
