its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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