Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
