Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
