a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
