Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
