We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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