a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Randomize
