I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
