If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
