Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Randomize
