I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
