She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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