My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
