i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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