see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
