do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I wish there were birth control emojis
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize