I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
