Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
