At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Just puked most of my soul out..
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
