Umm I'm too high to move.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
