tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Randomize
