I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
