you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
