Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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