I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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