Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
