I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
false alarm, still single
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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