Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
