Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
The beers last night were like the tears from god
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
