We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
