thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
