Don't make out with my wife yet
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Every concussion has its silver lining
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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