I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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