Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
