I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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